Monday, March 31, 2008

Time goes so slow when you are waiting

We are waiting for Brianna's surgery date to come. There isn't a day that goes by that Brianna doesn't want to talk about the surgery. She is so excited. One thing that is really bothering her is that she won't be able to hear anything afterwards. I don't think she really understands this part of the process. She asks me daily how she will do in school, and if someone will walk her places that she needs to go. She has Mrs. Sarah with her daily to help her through it all at school. Let me tell you, just having someone there for Brianna has made such a difference. She comes home from school less tired that she used to. She has so many more stories and bits of knowledge to share with me every day. Mrs. Sarah is a teacher that is studying to be a teacher for the deaf. She is working side by side with Brianna now. When Brianna has questions or trouble, she is able to ask right away, and get the answers. Brianna's 2nd grade teacher is wonderful, but I can't imagine how hard it is to run a classroom of 7 year olds, and on top of that, 1 who is almost deaf. She really is amazing.
Back to the topic. Brianna's favorite question to ask me is if she will get a big bed to sleep in. I let her know that she will be in a hospital bed for the day, but she will be so sleepy that she won't care much if it is big or small! She is so optimistic about this whole thing. She is just amazing. I am not to the point yet where I am scared out of my mind. I will get there I am sure. The other day I really just broke down. Questions were going through my mind. Is this the right decision? What if I do this, and it doesn't work? Will I be ruining her life forever? What if she resents the decision that I made for her? What if, what if, what if...
I got over that in about a day. I realize that without the surgery, Brianna will be deaf. It will be a matter of months, not years. She knows a little bit of sign language, but not enough to get by with it. Not to mention none of my family knows it, or her daycare, or really anyone that is involved with her. We could all learn it, but there is so much out there that she can't experience without sound. This past fall, I enrolled Brianna in a hip hop dance class. I wanted her to experience music and dancing, and all the joy that it can bring. She loves it. She really enjoys dancing. She explained to me that she really can't hear the music anymore, but she can feel it in her feet. She tries her hardest to keep up with all the moves. It really is just beautiful to watch her enjoy music so much.
So today, I am doing ok with the decision. I guess. We will see where we sit tomorrow. But Brianna is the one that matters. Hopefully this will work as well as the doctors seem to think it will. From there, hopefully she will be happy with my decision for her as she gets older and starts to understand it more. Things can only get better, right?

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